


no matter how long you’re gone (i’m always gonna want you back)

by immcrtal



Series: Always [1]
Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M, or dan as individual characters?, or their relationship, u ever think about if this show offered more closure and didn't hate blair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 03:52:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17717546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immcrtal/pseuds/immcrtal
Summary: And for the first time she allows herself to acknowledge his absence.





	no matter how long you’re gone (i’m always gonna want you back)

She wakes in her bed in Paris. For 8 years, she’s been waking up in the same bed, sharing her warmth with the man she loves, the man she chose.

 _Correction:_ the man she _thought_ she loved. The man she thought she chose with her heart.

Sometimes she thinks of him. _Is he happy? Is he content with being married? Has he finally figured out how to manage his god awful curls? Is his marriage ~~better than hers~~  full of joy? Does _ **_she_ ** _make him ha-_

Before she can finish her thought, her son, now around 6 years old barges in, slowly crawling to her side, her _empty, cold_ side.

Things have been rough she won’t lie, sometimes she wishes she could talk about it with someone. Dorota pushes her to contact Serena, knowing all too well that the blonde isn’t the one Blair seeks.

 _I should hate him, I should fucking hate him for pulling that Gossip Girl stunt_ , she thinks to herself.

 _But she can’t bring herself to care. She doesn’t hate him._ I could never hate you Humphrey, she thinks to herself as she puts down her million dollar phone.

* * *

 Sometimes she picks up Inside and reads about Clair and Derek, a story for the ages, that now feels lifetimes ago.

* * *

Serena comes to visit.  It’s one of those rare occasions where they get to smile a bit more genuinely instead of the fake smiles, they learned while they were sixteen, being plastered on their faces when they came across each other every 2 months at big events. He barely comes, and when he does he's almost always out of her reach, she noted through the years.

Judging by the genuine smile, Blair can tell something isn’t right.

She hates that she’s hoping for it to be about Serena’s marriage.

* * *

 “So how’s Chuck?” She asks. When she knows quite obviously. Chuck hasn’t been a constant _being_ in her and Henry’s lives for the past year.

Blair offers her a look, that she knows Serena _knows._ Serena looks down at the coffee cups between them.

“How’s Dan?” Blair asks in a whisper. Serena doesn’t say anything, just adds more coffee to her cup, as if the coffee was alcohol.

* * *

 She hears about Serena and Dan’s divorce, through Dorota.

“Miss Serena, misses you quite awfully since, since Lon- since broke off with _him_.” She tells her.

Blair ignores the flutter in her heart. _God how fucking horrendous of her to think about him, when her best friend, her friend, just ended a steady marriage for love, adoration and and-_

She picks up her phone and books a flight to Serena’s.

* * *

And while they’re out doing shots, Serena drunkenly says while holding her glass to the sky. “It was about you in a way, it’s _always_ about you in a way when it comes to him.” Before Blair can even process the words out Serena’s mouth, the blonde jumps into her arms, and laughs while telling her _‘I love you, B, B you’re my best friennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd!'_

* * *

She thinks of him. 

She walks into her penthouse. No one has set foot or lived in it for a while now, but it still held a soft spot in her heart. Despite Chuck's multiple efforts to sell it or turn it into a miniature office, she fought to keep it.

She found herself sitting on her bed. Hand gliding over her where her silk pillow covers would rest. She remembers him. 

It feels like yesterday. Her eyes open to find him staring at her. She mutters something about him being a freak, and _'god do you never sleep Dan?'_ as she pulls the covers over her eyes to cover them from the rays of sunlight. She hears him laugh out loud, and pull down the covers. She pouts at him, and he replies by caressing his thumb to her cheek. And she can't help but smile as he pulls her into his body, enveloping her with his arms. She feels safe.

She _felt._

She doesn't allow herself to miss him, to miss them, not until she finds herself on her back, on her bed, head tilted to the side where he once laid. And for the first time she allows herself to acknowledge his absence.

Finally she feels the warm tears slide down the side of her eyes.

* * *

It's been 5 months since Serena's divorce, and 2 months since her own.

She's having coffee with Nate, and he looks just like he did 8 years ago. Maybe a bit thinner but still with hints of hope and good in his eyes. 

She smiles as she thinks of their numerous stupid teenage fallouts and how they're still friends. She talks about her position at Vogue Paris, and how she's branching out after figuring out she'd like to write about more than fashion, and do more than fashion. Nate encourages her, saying that he always knew there was something deeper than fashion, in her interests. 

He tells her about his trips around the globe trying to find new stories to tell, that don't involve backstabbing bosses and eavesdropping. He mentions backpacking a bit with _him_ , but then stops. She sees his face grimace as if he just said something he wasn't supposed to say. He quickly changes the subject though, "So how are you, after the divorce, I-" he asks while sipping his coffee slowly.

"It's been quite great to be honest. It- I feel like it was going to happen sooner or later, guess the latter won out." He nods. "You deserve to be happy, I'm glad that you chose yourself in this case."

They both stay quiet for a moment, but before she can stop herself the words fall out of her mouth: "You know you can say his name right?"

Nate looks at her confused. " _Dan_ , you can say _his_ name." She clarifies.

He looks down but still nods. 

It's been a while since her lips have said his name.

* * *

Nate's walking with her through airport security when he says, "You know you can ask how _he's_ doing right?" 

She closes her eyes, and breathes. _Inhale, exhale._

"I know." She replies, as she waves her hand and turns her back to walk towards her flight. She hears him calling her back after a couple of seconds, "Because Blair, you have to know that- that he asks about you."

She doesn't turn around.

* * *

Serena comes to visit during the summer, and she's glowing. Granted there's still hints of sadness in her eyes, they aren't as prominent as the glow of her skin, and the brightness of her smile. 

"How you been, Blair?" She asks as she hugs her. Blair smiles, a bit forced. _Only for Serena, let her be happy._

"I could ask you the same miss Serena? You look amazing!"

-

 

A couple of hours later they find themselves in her backyard as Henry plays with a couple of his friends. Serena is talking about this amazing role she got for a movie, a biopic, but Blair can barely hear her. Her mind wanders to the theater where students were getting ready to portray his characters, to the demonstration kiss to _'I want you, Blair'._

Her thoughts are interrupted as Serena waves her hand in front of her face. "Paris to Blair! Are you okay? You wandered off for a bit." Serena asks with an easy smile.

Blair nods, forcing another smile.

They exchange some stories, before Serena gets up, calling it day. Blair whines, "Oh come on S, you're getting weaker it's barely 1 am!"

Serena laughs. "B, I've got to catch a plane, auditions." Blair sighs. 

As Serena gathers the last of her things, a question burns the tip of Blair's tongue, and before she can think it over Serena tells her: "You know you can talk about him, right? It's been more than a year since we left it at that."

The feelings she's been trying to bury for the past 8 years, flow out suddenly, as if a dam broke. Regret, hate, love, everything. 

She shaking in Serena's arms as she softly lets out. "I know it's horrible coming from me, but I miss him."

And she's not sure if it's her imagination, or the lack of sleep but she hears her say, "i know you miss him...He misses you too."

* * *

She's walking down the street, when she sees a billboard for the french release of Serena's new movie. She pulls out her phone, snaps a picture, and sends it to Serena, with the caption: "Missing you/"

As she types on her phone, someone knocks into her, her phone and purse fall to the ground, as the other person's book does the same. They both rush to pick up their respective items. When she stands up to apologize she's met with a mess of short curls, and cheekbones. He's about to apologize but stops. His mouth closing as his eyes scan over her face. They both stand still, quiet, not knowing what to say. She wants to tell him everything, how she hates him for so much, loves him for so much. And judging by his face, she thinks he's thinking the same. But they don't speak.

After a few more seconds of staring he blinks abruptly hand gesturing to her, "I- uh heard about the divorce, I'm sorry."

She tilts her head to the side. "I heard about yours." He doesn't seem phased, just nods. A couple of more seconds of silence pass by before she gets the nerve to speak up again. "What brings you to Paris, Humphrey?" And it's so easy to fall back into this.

He smiles a bit at the mention of his last name. "I guess backpacking- he uses his hands to air quote- with Nate had to lead to a final destination at some point,"

They're now walking side by side, shoulders barely brushing, it's quiet, comfortable. At some point he stops, and she turns to look at him.

"I've _missed you_." He says softly.

And for the first time in a while she smiles genuinely, teeth showing, and cheeks stretching.

"I've _missed you too, Dan_."

 

**Author's Note:**

> But really though. We all know Blair and Dan would've divorced eventually, those two were the only good example of actual good love on the show.
> 
> also I skipped through many of the seasons and didn't finish s5 (you know Why) or watch s6. Probably OOC as fuck, whatever, they make me immensely sad.


End file.
